3 posts tagged “great anonymous writers”
I would guess the weekly police log is one of the most tedious, least coveted assignments at any local newspaper. Someone at The Rochester Times (NH) apparently sees it differently. Read the current installment, below; it's wonderful.
Thanks to my mom for tipping me off to this!
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[Found at: http://www.citizen.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080612/GJCOMMUNITY04/645636752/-1/ROCCOMMUNITY07]
Rochester police log - 5/27/08 to 6/2/08
Article Date: Thursday, June 12, 2008
ROCHESTER — The following items, based on entries in the Rochester Police Log, were selected from 1,088 calls for service from May 27 to June 2.
Tuesday, May 271:25 a.m. — Tanya Lynn Glancy, 27, of Amazon Campground, 62, is arrested on a warrant for issuing bad checks.
1:49 a.m. — Michael Frederick Gilfert, 47, of 39 Joshua St. is charged with simple assault, obstructing the report of a crime or injury and criminal threatening, and arrested on a bench warrant for DWI.
3:28 a.m. — After a traffic stop near the toll booth, Patrick F. Whitney, 41, of 173 North Main St., C, is charged with misuse of power.
5:37 a.m. — After a traffic stop on Columbus Avenue, James R. Drown, 25, of Amazon Campground, 90, is charged with driving after suspension and suspended registration.
6:20 a.m. — On Old Dover Road, a man reports one vehicle has been smeared with feces and the other was spat upon.
6:45 a.m. — A coyote is clunked on the Route 202 bypass.
8:47 a.m. — A car has been vandalized on Stair Falls Drive.
9:01 a.m. — Public Works reports that on Washington Street eight frames and six manhole covers have been stolen.
9:33 a.m. — A neighborly dispute on Salmon Falls Road features spitting on a driveway.
10:12 a.m. — At the station a man reports getting a strange message on his cell phone, to whit: "It looks like she's dead." These dire words have come from a phone in Dover. Police there track it to a city landscaper and discover he was talking about a dead sprinkler head. So she may be restored to life.
10:46 a.m. — Sidewalk cyclists on the Square are told they should not pedal there.
11:08 a.m. — A white-pawed bushy-tailed cat called Frig is missing from its North Main Street home.
11:17 a.m. — A man who took his motorcycle to Winter Street for a repair finds the repairman has left town with "everything including his motorcycle."
11:30 a.m. — An orange bike is stolen from outside a Portland Street apartment.
12:10 p.m. — An evictee from a Portland Street apartment asserts that neighbors have taken some of her possessions.
2:57 p.m. — The animal control officer is on the trail of a loose beagle on Western Avenue.
4:10 p.m. — During a disturbance at Salmon Falls Estates, a kid's bike is thrown around and yelling is noticed.
4:27 p.m. — A man gets an iffy check from Ontario and asks if it's a scam. He tries calling the bank, and then shreds the paperwork.
6:23 p.m. — Music crankers win a warning on Periwinkle Drive.
9:04 p.m. — Edmund Alphonse Murphy, 64, of 46 Seasons Lane is charged with simple assault and disorderly conduct.
10:54 p.m. — Rolande Hurst of 157 Rochester Hill Road, 15, is charged with violation of a protective order.
Wednesday, May 28
8:53 a.m. — Alan Patch, 54, of 11 Pineland Park, Milton is charged with two counts of issuing bad checks.
1:09 p.m. — At Royal Crest Mobile Home Park a cat is up a tree; arborists will pluck it off, if they can collect a fee.
1:10 p.m. — Green bin No. 4750 has been stolen from Railroad Avenue.
1:33 p.m. — Yappy dogs at a Barrington canine facility annoy a Rochester resident on Calef Highway.
2:19 p.m. — At the station a woman reports her niece has stolen her credit card and $8,000.
4:26 p.m. — A man with a shaven head and a female companion dump construction debris in the Chamberlain Street School dumpster.
6:41 p.m. — Dirt bikes race up and down Champlin Ridge Road.
8:12 p.m. — A dead dog on North Main Street is reclassified as a raccoon.
8:38 p.m. — Fireworks on Congress Street prevent young schoolchildren sleeping.
8:49 p.m. — On Franklin Street a juvenile is charged with five counts of simple assault.
9:31 p.m. — A lady's sister's ex-boyfriend screams and pounds doors and windows. Later, slashed tires are discovered.
Thursday, May 29
7:23 a.m. — A bike has been stolen from Seasons Lane.
10:13 a.m. — Matthew G. Nicol, 25, of 316 Upper Deerfield Road, Northwood, is charged with driving after suspension and arrested on a bench warrant.
10:29 a.m. — Heather Holt, 19, of 9 Glen St., Farmington is charged with criminal threatening and disorderly conduct.
11:00 a.m. — A windshield has been smashed on East Rochester's Main Street.
12:27 p.m. — A tire has been slashed on a vehicle parked behind the Methodist Church.
1:47 p.m. — Rebecca Mae Todd, 20, of 17 Glenwood Ave., 22, is charged with shoplifting.
1:49 p.m. — Two flower urns and a flag are missing from Franklin Street cemetery.
4:12 p.m. — A dog is found by the Green Dragon.
5:18 p.m. — A vehicle is the victim of a hit and run at Wal-Mart.
6:36 p.m. — A juvenile is charged with simple assault on Lafayette Street.
7:33 p.m. — More vehicles have been damaged at Wal-Mart.
8:13 p.m. — Verner Swanagain, 47, of 46 South Main St., 306, is arrested on a bench warrant.
8:40 p.m. — After a Betts Road auto accident, Kevin B. Russel, 21, of 484 Chestnut Hill Road, Farmington is arrested on a bench warrant; Stacey Gagnon, 39, of 484 Chestnut Hill Road, Farmington is charged with DWI, subsequent.
9:28 p.m. — After a Lafayette Street traffic stop, Emily Madden, 19, of 480 Route 202, Barrington is charged with two counts of drug possession; Megan Whitten, 18, of 72 Moose Lane is charged with drug possession.
11:50 p.m. — Michael C. Howard Jr., 19, of 7 Akron Ave., A, South Berwick, Maine is charged with conduct after an accident.
Friday, May 30
12:11 a.m. — A kitten found on Jamey Drive is brought to the station.
1:21 a.m. — After someone jumps into traffic near North Main Street bridge, a person is taken to Frisbie with a bump on his head.
8:24 a.m. — On Flagg Road, two dogs run into a yard and kill someone's geese. The animal control officer takes the canines into custody.
8:49 a.m. — A car has been broken into on Cleveland Street and CDs and change stolen.
10:28 a.m. — Robert Miranda III, 50, of 563 Emery's Bridge Road, South Berwick, Maine is charged with change of address, duty to inform and with duty to report.
11:22 a.m. — Two strange sheep munch in a Dry Hill Road yard, but then move along.
2:03 p.m. — Dale Daigle, 23, of 45 Park St., Portsmouth is charged with drug possession.
2:55 p.m. — One of two grown sons is suspected by an East Rochester resident of stealing a $100 bill from her wallet.
4:36 p.m. — Glenn A. Toland, 38, of 13 Cold Spring Manor, C, is charged with two counts of aggravated felonious sexual assault.
4:38 p.m. — Christopher S. Cassidy, 29, of 26 Ryan Circle is arrested on two bench warrants — for simple assault and receiving stolen property.
5:39 p.m. — After a disturbance apparently involving a shovel on Clearview Drive, Dwayne Norton, 38, of 40 New York St., B, Dover is charged with attempt to commit aggravated assault, criminal trespass and criminal threatening (use of a deadly weapon.)
6:09 p.m. — There is a black bear in an Oak Street yard laying at the base of a tree. Someone has invited a bunch of buddies over to see it. It later ambles off, but then a food delivery guy reports "a seven-foot bear near Hansonville Road and Oak Street."
6:33 p.m. — A bike is found on Eastern Avenue.
6:37 p.m. — A Maple Street vehicle is broken into and binoculars stolen. The victim is invited to report the theft on the online incident form. A minor snag is that she does not have a computer. Police will try to call before 10 p.m., or tomorrow.
7:16 p.m. — At the basketball courts on Yeagley Way, a gentleman is punched on the throat.
8:17 p.m. — There is gunplay near Peaslee Road.
8:58 p.m. — Robert E. Lewis, 52, of 16 Pine St., 8, is charged with simple assault; Jeremy Hunter, 44, of 16 Pine St., 5 is charged with simple assault, mutual combat; and Terrie M. Seale, 50, of 16 Pine St., 8, is charged with stalking.
11:27 p.m. — A party rages on Main Street, Gonic. No officers are available to handle the call. Rage on, McDuff.
Saturday, May 31
12:15 a.m. — At the end of Meaderboro Road, a gentleman in a blue hoodie is jumping up and down and running in and out of the roadway. This is thought to be suspicious.
12:40 a.m. — At Wendy's, a 17-year-old is charged with unlawful possession of alcohol and possession and use of tobacco products by a minor.
1:15 a.m. — On South Main Street, Robert Cochems, 42, of 584 Western Ave., Gloucester, Mass., is charged with DWI.
1:51 a.m. — At Woodland Green, Sharon E. Brown, 51, of 5 King St., Springvale, Maine is charged with criminal trespass.
3:18 a.m. — On Liberty Street, two men (one shirtless, of course) are yelling at each other.
12:22 p.m. — A man who was in a fight near the Dynasty heads for home on a bike, clutching a six-pack.
2:14 p.m. — Someone has been tearing up fields in a vehicle on Salmon Falls Road.
2:14 p.m. — The Subway shop on North Main Street has video of an identifiable company truck taking out a pole and then driving off.
3:43 p.m. — A purse has been stolen from a car on River Street. The victim waits for a while in a car in the police parking lot before getting "irritated" and hanging up on two dispatchers.
4:07 p.m. — On Mill Street, a dead deer has been dragged into a back yard. Now there are buzzards and flies around it.
4:53 p.m. — Arthur's Market says a man in his 20s is in custody for shoplifting.
5:30 p.m. — Bob's Auto Repair was towing a Feliciano Ford bus on Charles Street when it was hit by a maroon SUV which took off.
6:18 p.m. — Michael Menard, 28, of 163 North Main St., A, is charged with disorderly conduct.
6:39 p.m. — In the East Rochester area, a teenager has eight pairs of underwear stolen.
8:23 p.m. — At the Dynasty, a woman reports her ex has taken $100 from her.
8:51 p.m. — The core of the noise from a graduation party on Quail Drive is traced to a young drummer whom police advise to stop.
9:00 p.m. — Trash is thrown from the window of an upstairs apartment on Dora Drive and lands on kid's toys below.
9:18 p.m. — A motorist reports tire damage after Betts Road is dug up and allegedly not filled in again properly. Police check the area and suggest that a small car may indeed have a problem. A construction site owner says Public Works and the city engineer "have been out to check it and deem it OK."
Sunday, June 1
12:49 a.m. — Loud music is coming from Penny Lane, who is a street, not an entertainer.
12:53 a.m. — After a North Main Street traffic stop, Jesus Vega Fermin, 24, of 28 Lafayette St., A, is charged with driver's license prohibitions, operating without a valid license and two counts of drug possession with intent to sell.
12:55 a.m. — A Washington Street woman is awoken by a rock smashing through her window.
1:02 a.m. — After waiting for half an hour in the KFC lot for a police officer, a woman drives to the station to report that the driver of a Dodge pickup was firing beer bottles at her vehicle. While in the KFC lot, the suspect kept driving by.
8:35 a.m. — A piece of tar has been hurled through a window on Chestnut Street.
8:51 a.m. — A dog visits Aroma Joe's on Milton Road daily for a bone, but they are concerned for its safety.
8:53 a.m. — A Moores Court man who allowed a girl to stay at his place overnight has awoken to find her and his white Chevy Cavalier have gone.
9:05 a.m. — A For Sale sign in front of a Brock Street house has been fired through a vehicle window.
11:19 a.m. — Two goats, one white and one brown, appear on Cross Road, and are retrieved by their owners.
5:50 p.m. — A car has been keyed on Elizabeth Street. A woman waits for police for over two hours and then cancels the call, saying she will come to the station later.
6:01 p.m. — Michael Galusha, 43, of 14 Morton Ave., B, is charged with violation of probation or parole.
6:31 p.m. — A dog bite man to Frisbie goes, then speaks to the mutt's master, who says that trespass law he knows. Rapprochement? A disaster!
8:31 p.m. — Two ladies slug it out on River Street.
10:04 p.m. — After the report of a weapon being fired on North Main Street, Katriena Hall, 32, of 55 Green St., Somersworth is arrested on two bench warrants; Aaron Chase, 26, of 101 Ridge Road, Northwood is arrested on a warrant; and Eric Mejias, 35, of 3950 Country Place Road, A, Winter Haven, Fla., is charged with reckless conduct, place another in danger.
11:24 p.m. — A man steals a 30-pack from Cumberland Farms on Milton Road and escapes on foot, despite baggy jeans.
Monday, June 2
10:07 a.m. — At the station, a woman reports she has a check for $3,000 which is likely fraudulent.
10:14 a.m. — At the station a woman reports the theft of her 1993 Ford.
10:54 a.m. — Near Citizen's Bank a biker is seen to dismount and punch a van driver before taking off again.
12:48 p.m. — A 17-year-old is charged with stalking.
1:06 p.m. — The Baxter Lake golf cart has been stolen again, possibly by the same youngster.
1:52 p.m. — The Elizabeth Street car keying is reported again.
2:01 p.m. — A woman calls to say she has spotted a panting dog in a car in the K-Mart lot, opened the vehicle's door to let the animal out, and is waiting for the owner.
3:15 p.m. — Money orders worth $600 have been stolen from the purse of a Northgate resident.
4:57 p.m. — Keven Lee Peek, 42, of 24 King St. is charged with two counts of simple assault.
7:49 p.m. — On Yellowstone Lane a woman reports that her son was clonked over the head with a bottle by a relative a couple of days ago.
7:57 p.m. — At the station a man reports a woman he used to live with is leaving messages on his lawn.
8:59 p.m. — Diane L. Palmer, 27, of 19 Harrison Ave., B, is charged with drug possession and resisting arrest.
I realize that commending this particular anonymous writer will require me to admit that I purchased a can of SPAM. Still, I can't let this one go unrecognized.
To most, SPAM is a nerdy, even revolting product. "SPAM Lite" seems like an oxymoron.
But the stuff is so darned good in a sandwich. Hey, my grandmother ate lard sandwiches as a farm girl; SPAM Lite is a step up from that.
Anyway, the wonderful writing is the copy on the back of the SPAM label.
This label has so much going for it!:
- The marvelously simple recipe format: [Ingredient]: [additional descriptor, if needed], [preparation method]
- The simplicity of the recipe itself. There's no whisking egg yolks and butter; no roux, no croquilles, no venti or any other baloney Americans can't pronounce--just good old-fashioned American cooking methods. Toasted. Melted. Scrambled. Sliced. Fried.
- The clever "difficulty scale" that ranges from "watching TV" (easy) to "building a TV" (difficult). Ordinarily, the food/TV connection (think 1950s TV dinners) is ridiculed by today's ultra-hipsters who pretend they don't even watch TV. This funny design element lets us eat in front of the TV without shame. It's not slothful; it's a lifestyle choice.
- The hyper-iconic overall style: the recipe number with the words "one" through "five" circling around; the "MAKES" icon with the four sandwiches depicted (why waste time mentally translating a numeral into a concept when you can just see four sandwiches?); and, of course, the "5 minutes" with a 30-degree wedge shape representing a 5-minute sweep of the big hand.
- The cheesy (you might even say SPAM-like) copy at the bottom, which hops around from one marketing cliche to another.
Some may consider those last two bullet points evidence that this label was done by a committee of hung-over Hormel marketing summer interns. I posit that the cheese factor is intentional, self-referential, and ingeniously self-deprecating.
So congratulations to the writer and the designer. You are uncredited, but not unappreciated.
In my previous post on this topic, I commended the writer of a sample business letter from my seventh-grade English textbook. The lesson was how not to write a letter of complaint. But all I had to go on was my memory.
Well, I found the Holy Grail: my original transcription of the entire letter! Yes, I liked it so much at the time that I copied it from the textbook so I could remember it even though I had to give the textbook back.
Here it is. Great writing needs no further introduction.
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23 Sunset Way
Meriden, Connecticut 06451
June 18, 19--
Manager
Cosgrove Sports Outfitters, Inc.
25 Union Street
Bergenfield, New Jersey 07621
Dear Sir:
My camp order just came--two whole weeks after the delivery date promised in your catalog.
The delay is bad enough, but to top it off you had to get the order mixed up. In the first place, the white jerseys are marked wrong. I'm going to Camp Busy Beaver, not Camp Whippoorwill. Can't you read? Or did you have some Whippoorwill jerseys left over that you had to get rid of? Also, one of your dumb clerks sent size 12 swimming trunks instead of size 14. To top it off, one pair of trunks is navy blue. Both were supposed to be khaki.
You'd better get this order straightened out--and fast. If you don't, I'll give everybody at camp such an earful you'll never get another cent out of any of them.
Yours in disgust,
Benjamin F. Cooke, Jr.
